its already almost end of Q1 2010! and i am still at the present position. haiz.....

wanted badly to move... to learn nails? but scare i dont have the talent.......

now i have an opportunity to move, to another co, thanks to my ex coll. but also hestitating, cos will be under my ex coll, and being close friends, will working tgt spoil our relationship? but nv mind abt that, first i have to pass the interview first!!

my AF is late for 3 days. i wonder if there will be good news this time? every morning when i take my temp, feel very nervous..... maybe tmr it will come? then it will be another disappointment again........

how time flies... its end of december and 2009 very soon..... and i am going back to work next monday. sucks.

for the last 3 weeks i did not work, just checking emails... unlike last yr when i was clearing leaves, i'm still kind of motivated to work, now no more. i guess i really have to leave...... dragging doesnt help me mentally it seems. just thinking of what pl said to me, really sucks. i really have no more motivation to work for her. i know work is just work, and i shld not look at the bosses to work. but i cannot let go and take it easy. its just like wasting time to work, or work just for $$. even if work is just for $$, i also need to get back my motivation, else i feel so unhappy, and affects my interest to do other things.......... i'm like a living dead. but there is so much more out there for me to feel, experience.

i hope i can get my mental and physical health back in shape. i have always worked hard to acheive what i want. i hope i can find back the zest and energy i used to have to reach my goal again!

actually its not a bad thing to go for my goal, because it can make me a person that my husband wants me to be? but the temple's lot is so discouraging....

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TTC is really a tough journey. every month when my AF is late, i get so disappointed when it came few days later. i guess its presurizing esp when age is catching up. its not like i have 10 more years to go....

i am so stupid, typed a blog, but dunno what i clicked and doesnt get posted! haiz

anyway today is the 6th day i am clearing my leaves......

still thinking shld i go pursue my facination in make up and nails? i am just worried abt the course fees and job prospects......

how time flies! have not been blogging more than a yr! have alot to say!

since then, been married for close to a yr, moved to new place close to 5mths. married life is sweet.. but with sweat (many housework to do!!) and sometimes disagreements... but its still great to see your beloved the moment you open your eyes......

since moving in 5mths back, have been sick for almost every month! not sure what is wrong.... perhaps often too tired and lack of enuf rest... perhaps the distance is further than my old hme (altho still in the west), but by the time i reached home, its alomost like 8pm. after dinner, do some housework, very soon its bed time...... whereas, back in my mom's place, still have some time to rest and relax before going to bed....... perhaps its easier to be a daughter then a wife

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today on mc, coughing since last monday.... sudddenly had a sore throat, the cough came. it seems more like sinus cough, no phlegm, coughing cos the nose is congested with muscus that got stuck. muscus seem to multiply very fast by itself. last week was closing so was not able to take mc. every night, i will wake up every hour to cough, blow nose.. cannot get a proper slp. and next morning, still need to work. but glad hubby is able to drive me to wokr and home everyday since we are working nearby now. otherwise, i cant imagine the "cough attacks" in a public bus! very paisey.

ytd, suddenly sore throat again... went to see doc again today.. haiz, JW doc all so lousy and ex! prefer Dr Chia at my old place... cheaper, and nice doc who bothers to listen. today, the doc so funny, he asked me "i give u another kind of antibiotic you want?" then i replied "i dont know, do u think i need?" he's a doc what!

its terrible to cough, as most time, cant get to slp... even aft taking doc's so called drowsy cough syrup. and i miss taking the chinese medicine for the "plan". haiz... wasted another 2 weeks.

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talking about the "plan". have 2 plans in mind but never really set my mind to do it... afraid of the outcome.

 just now happened to read my archives, and realized that i have been complaining about my job since 2007, or perhaps since 5yrs back when i first joined. so long..... yet i still doing nothing to improve my life.

yes, now my team has another member. it does reduce my work, but not my stress. because i sense the unfair treatment. the leader talked to the new member with so much politeness that drives me to think of how she has "treated" me in the past. the difference in tone, whenever i asked her things, she gave me a frustrated tone, but nv heard this tone when she speaks to the new guy.

gradually tension builds up between the leader and me. she said i was rude to her esp when she gave me new things to do. she said i always give her a black face. ya i know its my fault, for unconsciously showing her face, but has she ever wondered how she treated me too? ya perhaps she is the boss so she has the rite to treat whoever staff nicer.

she said she is friendly to the new guy cos he is friendly to her. does it mean i am not friendly to her? i also show my concern, buy her things.. but she still thinks i dont respect her. i try to be a good staff.. but she only sees the bad side of me. does she know how much effort i put in my work to get things done in the tight deadline? i sacrafice my weekends, but to her its just "no choice" cos she also have to work on wkends. just becos i am not as cheerful, open as the new guy who is always smiling, so her attitude to the guys is better.

is this how all mgr tend to sterotype? sad rite, no matter how hardworking the worker is, if you dont know how to "po" the boss, all else fails. its a realistic working world.......

i guess i really cant work for someone. plan to learn new skills, and possibility of becoming my own "boss".. haha, will i ever succeed? i am afriad to try...

i guess all those affected my health... i feel really weak and tired.. so tired that i just dont know how to proceed with my next step. what shld i do?? if i quit, perhaps i will be more motivated to do other things to improve myself? my team leader doesnt make me feel good. unlike the leaders i had in my previous job, who at least makes me motivated to improve myself.

it was 12 Sept 2008, friday. a busy day at work. went home, and saw my void deck with people preparing for the funeral set up. it was unbelievable, but i thot and suspected it could be my neighbour. she was hospitalized since May with heart attack, thereafter, her kidney and heart failed.

it was really her. me and family cried. she had been my neighbour for 30 years, seeing me grow up from a baby..... and all i wanted was for her to recover so she can attend my wedding. i pray for her recovery every morning, even though i know i was asking for a miracle. but she left us when she was 70 years old.

it was very sad, to know she is gone. as i will never hear her loud voice again. chinese new year, i wont hear her say "Gong Hei fat Choy" anymore. i could not attend her funeral as my dad was superstitious with my wedding around the corner. but i did saw her the week before she left. she came home after being in hospital for months. from a healthy auntie, to a frail weak wheel chair bound.......

i cried for days when i think of her....... her husband now live alone since their kids are married.... when he walked pass my house with a packet of packed lunch, i find him lonely..... they were always out for meals............

when i saw those auntie at the stone chairs at my void deck, it reminded me of her too. they used to sit there after their daily morning marketing session. those aunties were so much older then my neighbour, but she left first...... how sad.

why this year?

Tomorrow I am going to my wedding Photoshoot. went for manicure and pedicure this afternoon, and did mask...... i have not been so relax for a long time it seems.... and i am finally feeling a bit of excitement while preparing for my big day...

i wish i have more time to relax, and not always hugging the laptop....

Hey Shirley I dropped you an email...

since feb, I seem to be working every weekend. workin late alomost everyday. its rare that i can go back before 7pm. when i am on MC, I receive calls from office, short deadlines, means I have to work.

when I went to choose my gown yesterday, I was told I need to do this and that, over weekends cos the deadline is monday/tuesday.

Damn. dont I have a life? I cant spend weekends with myself? considering that now every weekend I need to settle wedding stuff, look for flats.... and I have to sqeeze time out to work.

I am really tired. do I have to work this hard? I want to be a happy bride.

Hello, to all who is still reading my blog!!

I have been most busy... with work. work and work. and this year, there's more work. there's never ending work... which normally happens only in the second half of the year. but this year, everything's just not right... there's so much to do.

and i still have to endure with my health. during the month of Jan to Feb 2008, i woke up almost every 4am, due to allergy nose, causing me to sneeze and sneeze. and i got only 5hours of sleep and off to work..... my brain is almost dead.

now, i have less allergic reactions, but i cant sleep. my mind if full of work, work. sometimes i just cant think.. and i drag, procrastinate. i hate this kind of feeling...

for work, i did not take care of myself.... i cant be bothered if i have trimmed my eyebrow, my messy hair needs cutting... that i need to put on weight for my wedding....i need to stop tearing my nails for my big day. my sensitive skin needs to see a specialist. i just neglected myself...... for almost a year........

when i looked at myself in the mirror recently, i saw the haggard me.... ugly. how to be a pretty bride?? it adds more to my stress! i really want to be pretty on my big day!

i have been thinking too much, and losing sleep.... need to get my life in order again......

Dear said i am like a broken recorder, keep repeating and repeating myself. ya, i agree, wouldn't it be better if i start to do something to improve my life now and stop complaining?

i just need more time, for myself, not just work. i need free time to take up a course that i've always wanted.... but my current work doesnt allow me to.. i guess its time......

talking about unhappiness, doesnt equate that you only have unhappy things happening in your life...... its a way for me to destress, to stay sane.

doesnt keeping unhappy things, complains inside you makes u feel more bottled? makes you more insane?

there are happy things happening to me too, just tt i thot happy things doesnt need pple to comment. i share my unhappy thots so i can get advice and assurance from pple whom i share with........... they dont even need to give advice, just a listen and understand is good enuf........

its just a habit that i dont write much abt happy stuff, but doesnt mean there is none.......

Can love last forever? untill after marriage, untill after having kids??

can 2 persons of different charactor, personality, lifestyle still be together?

what is the purpose of being together?

my friend told me bcos 2 persons loved and care for each other, and want to be with ea other every day, that's how they choose marriage..... getting married is not just to have kids.

i want to be with him ev day, but he likes his own entertainment. will we end up in marriage? we are only 1 yr old couple, but we are already spending less time together.... is this good? most of my friends spend weekends with their partners, because weekdays they are busy with their own work... but this doesn't apply to me it seems..... there's some communication breakdown, there's some different piorities, there's some changes happening.... is it normal? i feel redundant to him.

i am afraid, i am insecure. i am scare. but i still love him. and i want to feel he needs me as well.... tho its tough.

Men and Women are different. will they be able to accept ea other?